Fractured Fairytale

I belong to a writer's club and each week we have a short assignment. Last week we were to re-write a fairytale form the villians point of view. So here's my warped version of:

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

I want you to know us wolves always get a bum wrap. Take the story about that Little Red Riding Hood chick. Pure fabrication. It couldn’t be farther from the truth if they’d tried. I think it’s about time I told my side of the story.
Truth is, I was suffering from a major case of hemorrhoids that day when along comes this obnoxious little brat all decked out in her red walking frock and carrying a basketful of goodies. She’s singing (more like caterwauling) some innocuous ditty about going to see her Grandma. I didn’t want a thing to do with her, so I high tailed it out of there in a hurry.
All I wanted was a place to take a load off and stay out of the brat’s way, so I find this little cottage in the woods. It looked like a sweet setup to me. After watching for a while I decided no one was home. So, I tiptoed in the back door as quietly as possible. Unfortunately, this big old babe is standing there in her nightclothes. What a shocking experience.
Well, the old bat starts hollering to beat the band, so I try to back out gracefully, but she wasn’t having anything to do with it. I didn’t know old dames could move so fast. She came at me with a rolling pin swinging and swearing like a sailor.
With all that hullabaloo, I got confused and ran the wrong direction. My back was against the wall and I was about to get brained, so I darted between the old harridan’s legs. Ugh!
Apparently, I startled her, ‘cause she jumped ten feet in the air. When she landed, her ankle gave way and Grandma went down like a ship at sea. The old bat cracked her head on the table and she was sawing zzzzz's before I could move.
To make matters worse, (with my superior wolf hearing) I perceive the brat coming through the woods. Quickly, I rolled the old dame behind the sofa, and searched for a plan of escape. Too late, so I ran into the bedroom and grabbed a bunch of the hag’s clothes and put them on. Next I jumped into the bed just in time to hear Red pounding at the door.
Well, what was I supposed to do? I called sweetly in a high falsetto, “Come in dear. I’ve been expecting you.”
Everything would have been just fine, except Red gets nosy and starts poking at my snoot and ears. I hate anyone touching my ears and by now my hemorrhoids are killing me. I couldn't help myself, I went postal. But, I didn’t try to eat the kid like everyone claims.
Let me tell you, Grandma had nothing on me for pitching a fit. I bounced off the walls, the ceiling and the floor. In the melee, Red got knocked over and thumped her butt pretty hard on the floor. So she starts wailing like a banshee.
The racket musta roused the old lady. She starts screaming from the other room and looking for her rolling pin. Thank goodness there was a window in the bedroom and I used it. I’ll have you know I was the injured party that day. If I hadn’t leapt through the window, I’d have been a dead wolf with a raging case of hemorrhoids.