TWINKLE TOES

     I’m probably going to step on some shoe maven’s toes today, but I don’t really care.  If you are offended, too bad.  I didn’t set out to humor the latest shoe trend-setters of 2006.

Today’s shoe styles are…what can I say?  Ugly?  Strange?  Esoteric?  This is especially true, but not entirely restricted to women’s fashions.  First you have flip-flops, then slip-ons and the worst, high-heels with long pointy toes that increase the footprint anywhere from 2 to 3 inches.  What woman in her right mind would want to make their tootsies appear longer?  Remember the Chinese women used to bind their feet back in the Sung Dynasty (960-976 BC).  Ouch!  

     Anyway, flip-flops are the closet thing to having nothing on your feet and still calling it a shoe.  There’s nothing like the flap, flap, flap, or scuff, scuff, scuff of flip-flops preceding you down the hall.  I’ve even seen girls (my Britt) wear them in the dead of winter when it’s 30 degrees out.  Put a few beads or sequins on them and they are considered formal wear.

     Slip-ons are more substantial but I sure wouldn’t want to run a footrace wearing a pair of Carter’s, Trotters or Keds with no back.  Add a high-heel to the slip-on concept and you create an entire symphony on a hard floor.  Click, twhap, click, twhap.  Obviously the click is the heel striking the floor, but what’s the twhap?  That’s the sound of the shoe re-establishing contact with the bare heel of the foot.

     Now let’s address those hideous pointy toes.  Some of them are so sharp, they look lethal.  Besides making your feet look as long as Shaq’s, they do funny things as the shoe begins to conform to your foot.  These shoes, like all shoes, must bend.  (Unless you’re wearing wooden clogs that are shaped to accommodate a normal stride.)  So now you have that 2 to 3 inch extension curling upward.  The longer you wear them, the more they curl.  Heaven forbid they should get wet.

     I saw a man on my way out to the garage last night wearing a pair of these impossibly long, pointy toed contraptions.  They actually looked like he had used a large curling iron to achieve the desired elf-like upward twist.  All he needed was bells or tassels on them, and a pointy, green hat to complete the outfit.

     Now doesn’t this make you want to rush out and buy a leopard print or brocade pair with jewels so you can join the parade of galumphing twinkle toed elves.

TTFN