Waddle Watching

I’ve been so horrendously busy at work (not) that I decided to entertain myself. It doesn’t take much to make me happy, so I’ve been cruising the hallways watching waddles.

That’s waddles, not wattles. For those who do not know what a wattle is, I’ll take a moment out from my important and interesting mission to explain. Wattles are basically a double chin in humans, but in turkeys it’s that red thing that hangs over the beak. There are a few other definitions, but I choose to ignore them.

Now, back to where I left off. Nobody (at least in our office) has an elegant sway like a model striding down the runway feet crossing on skyscraper heels. In fact that can’t be classified as a waddle. First, these girls are so skinny most of them don’t have a butt in order to waddle. Second, who the hell can walk like that and not crash and burn? Besides I’m insanely jealous.

I’m talking about your everyday, short and dumpy, gangly tripping, sexless, gliding waddles found in our office. There’s nothing like a shirt or sweater that’s not tucked in to accentuate a waddle. Some look like two bear cubs fighting in a gunnysack; more up and down than side to side. I know that’s trite, but ho hum, who cares?

Then there’s the gliding, no action waddles (is that an oxymoron?). Mostly these are women who for whatever reason don’t wiggle at all. Their boobs don’t jiggle either. Maybe they don’t lift their feet when they walk, creating an illusion of gliding down the hall.

How about a caboose, or also known as a bumble butt? These are the very full, round gluteus maximus I’m referring to. These posteriors seem to have a life of their own. Be careful, this type of unrestricted activity might be dangerous if you get too close.

My conclusion of this scientifically correct study of derrières is that they come in all shapes and sizes. To obtain the waddle, is a function of how one foot is placed in front of the other. To prove my point, I’ve witnessed some runners who have more up and down action then forward locomotion. And this is true of your everyday waddle.

I cannot reveal all of my brilliant deductions in this one post, because I might get bored again and have to do more research. As an aside, I did not exclude male waddles in this study.