FRIDAY FRIPPERY

Friday Frippery has arrived. Don't groan too loud.

WARNING: This is my forum to be my inane, irrelevant, irreverent, irregular, irresponsible, smart ass self. The opinions expressed in this column are still not, never have been and probably never will be those of management. Yeah, I still like saying that no matter how inane it may sound (snicker, snicker).

The word of the day is: UMBARAGE 1. Shade; shadow; hence, something that affords a shade, as a screen of trees or foliage. 2. A vague or indistinct indication or suggestion; a hint. b. Reason for doubt; suspicion.3. Suspicion of injury or wrong; offense; resentment. As in: George felt umbrage at the implied umbrage made by Dick. You got that?

My spell check is still sick, so I apologize for my blind fingers.

1. Have you ever heard of a composer named A Nony Mous? Probably not unless you're a lover of clasical music. There was a WHOLE bunch of stuff by A Nony Mous done in the Renaissance days. Very prolific guy.

2. Proceeding with the inane. Just don't take umbrage at my words. Why do men name their lower body part (that's a ufinism)? I've heard it called johnson, dick, schwartz, schwantz, rod, cock...my ex called his PD. You don't hear women assigning an arbitrary name to their sexual organs. Who do these guys think they are, anyway?

3. The other day Karyn was talking about spinner hubcaps and I just happened to see some last night. Do people really pay for these silly toys? What purpose do they serve? They're about as practical as me donning butt floss (thongs) and a couple of pasties and trying to get the tassels to rotate in opposite directions. Any direction for that matter.

4. How on Earth can gas stations justify a $00.30 increase per gallon in less than one week? Yes, I know crude has gone up to $67.00 a barrell (at least that's the last price I heard), but gas made from that stuff isn't even somebody's wet dream yet. As far as I'm concerned there is something drastically wrong with this picture.

5. It's hell when your internal thermostat has only two settings, "Sweat" and "Shiver". One of the reasons I left Illinois was because of the coooold winters. Now I come to Texas and freeze all summer because the air conditioners in public places are cranked down to 55 degrees. I should have just moved to Alaska for all the good it did me. Jimbob and I don't have thermostat wars, although I do keep my sweater on most of the time. I HATE BEING COLD!

6. Talk about hate, it takes far too much energy to hate. Why waste your time in such trivial persuit? Surprise the daylights out of someone, say, "I love you," and watch their reaction. Be prepared to run, they might call the cops for sexual harrassment.

7. Last but not least, I'm a people watcher. I just love the guy who gets in his car and thinks nobody can see him. Therefore, he is free to do anything that feels good. What a treat to look over to the car stopped next to you at a red light and the driver has his finger buried up his nose to the second knuckle. And you thought I was going to say something dirty. What's he looking for, GOLD? Perhaps it's really Homer Simpson. Makes ya wanna roll down the window and ask for a date. NOT!!!!

TTFN