Oh My Gosh

I couldn’t believe my eyes the other day. I was searching for another vehicle for my blog, one I could access from work and I have no idea where I saw or heard about a certain site (better left unnamed). Like a big dummy I tried it and nearly got the shock of my life.

I’ve heard that they put stuff like that on the web, but never had the misfortune to run across it before. The first thing I saw was videos; very graphic videos; nothing left to the imagination videos. There were videos of two men doing things together that should have been kept behind closed doors.

When I mentioned this at our writer’s club Wednesday, someone asked if said videos were like a train wreck where you just couldn’t stop watching. No way. No thank you. Un huh. I’m nearly 60 years old and not some green kid, but I was taken aback, to say the least. Okay, so maybe I am old fashioned, but you can bet your sweet bippy I won’t be visiting that site again.

Garden Journal

On the morning of May 3 about twenty volunteers congregated in Celina to hear Billy Kniffen speak about the advantages of rainwater harvesting and then a short summary of the Thrips research performed by Kim Schofield at the A&M test farm in Prosper.

It was a really interesting and eye opening morning. The flood of rainwater flowing uselessly down storm sewers is staggering. Who would have believed that someone could be self sufficient on as little as 5” of rain per year?

Our next stop was in Prosper for lunch and the thrill of receiving free rose bushes. All we had to do was dig them out of the ground. Even though it was rather muddy from the previous night’s thunder storm, it did make the digging considerably easier. For some of us, it became a tag team effort.

The roses were absolutely stunning with the extra rain we’ve had this spring. Last year, I spent one evening every other week watering the same roses without the spectacular results created by Mother Nature.

And here is a picture of our newest Master Gardener. I’d actually met him last summer during my frequent trips to the farm. He is very curious and wants to see everything that’s going on. He is very well mannered and never begs for food, nor approaches closer than 20 to 30 feet unless invited. You never know who you’ll run into during a Master Gardener’s outing

ATM Rules

I did not write this, but it made me think of the little plaque attached to the ATM’s where I bank: “This ATM equipped with Braille for the visually impaired.” Is this one of those, “Only in America” things? If the person using the ATM needs Braille because they are visually impaired, there has to be something wrong. I have yet to see a blind (visually impaired) person drive, or even walkup to a drive through ATM.

Did I miss something in school? Since when are visually impaired persons allowed to get behind the wheel of a 2 ton moving object?

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby
reads:
Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts."


"After months of careful research, MALE
& FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter
PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and
receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window
down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents
on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will
call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
; with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct
PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate
wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check
register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male
driver
; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull
off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.





.

Strange Encounters-Three of a Kind

Encounter number 1. Grandma is staying with us again and I feel so bad for her. I came home Tuesday about 5:00 PM and she was just getting out of bed. She asked me if I had spent the night here. I agreed and told her that this was my house. She said she thought it was her sister's house. I told her no (again) that it was mine and Jimbob's house. So then she said that her sister must be lost. I assured her that her 105 year old sister was in a home in Cushing.

I could tell she wasn't convinced, but she didn't say anything more about it. Although after dinner she asked if it was still morning, and wanted to know what city we were in.

Encounter number 2. Yesterday after work, I met Jimbob at our favorite Mexican place for dinner before he started teaching music lessons at church and before choir starts. When I got to the restaurant, I could see a washed out little blond sitting at the table across from him. Knowing Jinbob, I wasn't concerned because he never knows a stranger.

He introduced me to Stacie and explained that she had just lost her father to prostrate cancer and she had joined him at our table. Stacie had 1 1/2 margaritas setting on the table, but it was obvious that these were just the tip of the iceberg. Anyway, instead of going back to her table when we ordered dinner, she sat there devouring Jimbob with her eyes and making sexual insinuations. Every once in a while she'd remember I was there and make strange remarks like, "Now, she'd know big."

Well, okay, I had no idea how to respond. Was she making referrals to a certain part of male anatomy or maybe something else? I don't know. More than a little snockered, she made the comment that she needed someone to drive her home. Suddenly Jimbob and I grew rather deaf. I couldn't wait to get out of there, and neither could he. I headed home knowing that grandma was here alone and we had storms on the way.

Strange encounter number 3. At home, at least grandma was out of bed, but she thought that she was at her house in Cushing, OK and that Herald the cat was a stray that she'd fed and he decided to hang around. I asked if I could get her something to eat, but she said no she was trying to figure out what to fix for me.

Jimbob finally got home from choir practice and grandma asked if we were going to stay the night with her. Of course we said that we would. Jimbob went into the kitchen to get some water and grandma asked if he knew where the glasses were. I think I pissed her off because I made popcorn for everybody in her kitchen.

Today has been uneventful, but it's not over yet and it's grandma's 91st birthday.